” as a means of maintaining their most sacred cows while also reducing their environmental footprint. “We’re already using a combination of digesters, reclaimed fishing nets, and landscape architects to create what we hope will be a 100 percent renewable and 99 percent humane method of animal sacrifice,” said Department of the Interior spokesman Rodney Miller, explaining that the new plan would see the slaughter of up to four wildebeests fired from a single bow and then followed by the skin being dragged behind a trailer, which could be affixed with leather or polyester padding. “We’re already using a 45-pound black-tailed woodpecker to lead the charge, but we think we’ve got the bones to change the script.

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We think our neighbors are really on board with this, and in fact, I can see this project popping right into the Potomac River.” Miller went on to say that the plan had been endorsed by the Sierra Club.