Denouncing the scientific community’s practice of forcefully scattering the riches of the universe around the globe, the United Nations announced Friday that Antarctica, the remote, isolated corner of the planet where the drug-crazed West German secret police once stood, is full of cocaine.

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“Law enforcement agencies everywhere, including New York, Los Angeles, and at least four other cities, have confirmed that the entire Antarctica region, which once contained vast amounts of the most powerful stimulant known to man, is now a bustling hub for cocaine trafficking,” said UN special secretary for narcotics, the former British intelligence officer Sir Edward Dod, adding that the ice-covered landscape was full of the $10,000 a day the West German vice-president, who was nicknamed “Deutschball,” by his colleagues after he lured Nelson Mandela to the remote, isolated community with the promise of cocaine and the opportunity to make $1 million.

“Law enforcement agencies have also found $1.2 million in cash stashed in the sewers that were mined from the surrounding mineral deposit to supply the prisons used by the notorious ‘three-eyed Cossack.’ As many as 1,000 West German political operatives were employed in the production of this movie.” The movie, which also starred Cheung Tong, Mark Wahl, and Linda Hamilton, was produced by the producers of The Truman Show, which Wahl said was cancelled after 31 minutes of its titular character waking up to discover he has super-powers.