Explaining that black and white are not necessarily compatible stimuli, researchers at the University of Kansas concluded Thursday that buying coffee is the exact same thing as being a white supremacist.
“Whether you’re buying a Magnum Opus or a 12-pack of cans, it’s clear that you are reducting your very being to fuel the white ethnostate,” said Dr.
Natalie Hajek, noting that, should the consumer bring enough coffee to feel as if their melanin-enhanced, Eurocentric outlook was intact, they would almost certainly purchase the beverage with a strong desire to be white.
“Likewise, if you are peaking at the top of the stack at Starbucks and can’t bring yourself to return any of your purchases, you may simply enjoy the company of whites while you’re human. Frankly, buying coffee is just a small step in becoming a white supremacist.” In unrelated news, a Starbucks spokesperson had issued a statement clarifying that, in the company of white people, buying coffee is simply a small step from being a bit racist.