Coca-cola Has Killed Pepsiman Man.

Describing the fast-food product as “a nasty, addictive squirt of sugar,” local man Brian Gardner confirmed Thursday that Coca-Cola has recently begun to kill his pal Poksiman, a local Poks bar owner and retired police officer.

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“They just put out a 15-20-calorie package, and the commercials make it seem like it’s only three or four paces across the screen when the actual food comes out,” said Gardner, adding that the full-page ad in the McDonald’s catalog stated that the beverage can be mixed with soda and candy to create a mega-addictive cocktail, and even showed a menu displaying the paw-nosed Poksiman kneeling on the kitchen floor, his stomach still bulging from the chewing he suffered as a child.

“They put out a 10-ounce bottle, but it only has 14 calories per pop. And it’s not even broken in with orange juice—there’s no way that fucking predator is trying to get anything out of that.” At press time, the Poksiman killing became the talk of the town.