The Government Did Murder [REDACTED] Themselves.

Denouncing the existence of an entire class of criminals far past the point of looking for new victims, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced Thursday that the United States government has done the murder themselves.

See also: The Government Is Illegal Now

“The United States government made the ultimate sacrifice when they handpicked these bad guys to do the murder for them,” said Sessions, denouncing the “cowardly, despicable, and wholly unforgivable” individuals before them and explaining that they were eliminated in the process.

“These are all disgraceful and unacceptable people to serve with. Many of them have served years of hard labor in our country before they were even eligible for a shot at a college. I’ll be sure to make every effort to give these jerks in charge a fair shake.” At press time, Sessions called for the repeal of the DREAM amnesty program.