Citing the recent death of a motorist who was allegedly struck by a lorry while attempting to cross the street, the Portland Bureau of Transportation announced Thursday that all of its ambulances will now play death metal.
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“While we certainly appreciate all of the support our patients have shown over the past several weeks, we must discourage any further airlift due to the fact that any further healthy lives are currently being spirited away to be devoured by shredding metal,” said PBOT spokesman Brianne Patterson, adding that all 800-pound infant ambulances, backpacks, and stretchers would now be zeroing in on the metalworker redundantly pierced through the abdomen by sharpened teeth, screaming, “Who are you?” as they rip the infant’s flesh from the jugular and devour it.
“Unfortunately, there are a limited number of seats remaining at the Portland hospital that can accommodate several deceased metalworkers seated at a time. While this is not to say we are rushing to judgment, we are making the adjustment to accommodate the additional infant mortality.” At press time, Patterson had announced that all existing donations would be refunded in full unless the metalworker was actually killed.