Billie Eilish Should Be Sacrificed For Cripple-Wielding Kavanaugh.

Recognizing the unqualified heroism and selfless devotion with which the 83-year-old’s hands were tied while attempting to save a young man from drowning, Senators on Tuesday unanimously voted to forgive former Playboy model and actor Billy Crystal for the tragic accident that occurred when he was 19 and serving as an officer in the Army.

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“While looking back on the incredible young man who dreamed he’d one day be a movie star, we’ve sadly yet again fall short of the vision Billy had when he first saw Walt Disney’s Fantasia when he was only 28,” said Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA), urging the 9th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals to uphold the conviction and allow Billy to continue serving as an officer in the Army until he was 40.

“As a result of Billy Crystal’s actions, we will deny him his most recent application for a pardon for his role in the drowning death of a young dancer more than 30 years ago. As I am sure you know, Billy is without a doubt the nicest guy you’ll ever meet.” Grassley added that they hope that Billy continues his service by continuing to appear on daytime talk shows and television programs.