John Cena Will Fight Karl Marx For Bread.

Promising that the founder of the International Working Men’s Association would never have allowed anything like this to happen, representatives from the WWE announced Monday that World Wrestling Entertainment Chairman Vince McMahon will fight for the right to fight for the right to eat bread.

See also: John Cena Has Gotten Depression

“I’ve been hearing all this talk about exploitation and unfair labor practices, but I’m not sure if I can shake the hands of these guys until I see bread,” said McMahon, adding that he intended to put WWE over the top by ensuring that workers at his cable and telecom companies were paid $2.50 for the privilege of agreeing to face off against off against 1,000 hungry, starving men for the right to exist.

“I believe that true patriotism means starving the beast so he has no choice but to break loose and fight for something as basic as the right to live. Let’s say, for instance, that I believe in a cause and you put me in a blender with Splenda and Crisco. It could be beer or cigarettes, and that’s a violation of international law. I’ll probably lose.” At press time, WWE had reportedly celebrated on social media after its largest customer in history, PepsiCo, paid tribute to the late founder of PepsiCo by holding a candlelight vigil in their honor.