In a report revealing new insights into early developmental psychology, researchers from the University of Kansas concluded Monday that Japanese parents spend much of the first four years of their child’s life sucking all the oxygen out of their small, pathetic brains.

“The average age of a child is about four, and by the time they hit kindergarten, they’ve already undergone a remarkable transformation,” said Dr.

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Frederick Kirk, noting that an astounding number of infants witnessed feeding programs that required the infants to wear bulky, uncomfortable diapers as punishment for breaking the cardinal sin of old age.

“Paradoxically, the process seems to be accelerating with age, too. While we usually think of Japanese as being prissy and slow, they actually require the most basic human being to exist at all.” Kirk went on to say that the most extraordinary aspect of his research was that, despite the shallow start to language development in Japanese, some toddlers actually speak with a high-pitched, nasally squawk.