“It’s no secret that the PieCorner crowd wants their slice, which is why our policy has always been to ban it from all pizzerias worldwide,” said Pizza Hut CEO James Park, noting that the company’s policy on pizza came into effect with the passage of New York City’s new Pizzagate pizza initiative, which places tighter restrictions on pizzerias who sell less than $20,000 worth of pizzas per year and prohibits their from appearing on any screen that contains adult content.

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“To be clear, we’re all feel that the current policy is still the correct one to address this heinous crime, and as of now, PieCorner remains fully entitled to its safe harbor. However, we’ve made the difficult decision to also bar the heads of Papa John’s, Little Caesar’s, and Golden Pockets from any role in the company’s future pizza development.” At press time, PieCorner staff was reportedly shocked that the company had even bothered to implement a motion capture to portray the fictitious CEO as having sex with prostitutes.