“It’s only a matter of time before some sick, twisted pervert tears the sclera of unsuspecting tourists,” said local Facebook user Joshua Zaleski, adding that it is with great dread that he stands here, dumbfounded, at the sight of menirce, or, to put it more bluntly, of “low expectations.” “These are clearly amateurish individuals, buffoons, and frankly, I’ve never seen anything like this before. We should all be ashamed of what these degenerates have done to their craft.” At press time, Zaleski was seated at his local post office and began to receive an automated message that read, in part, “Just push the button.”