' ‘We Must Protect Our Golden Girls,’ Says Elon Musk As Boring, Loud, No-Funky Pastry Becomes Even More Realistic.

Electing to speak for the first time in the highly publicized case, famed physicist and cosmologist Elon Musk reportedly urged the country to “defend our golden girl,” as oppressive and violent women became even more realistic.

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“It’s long past time we went out and stood tall, saying ‘These women are terrifying, violent, and mentally ill; therefore, we must eradicate them from the face of the earth,’ and until we do that, we’re going to have to live with the consequences,” said Musk in a commencement speech at the California Institute of Technology, adding that the country must never be tempted by false sense of entitlement and should never give itself less than a full decade to eradicate the gender pay gap unless it’s absolutely necessary to do so.

“It’s also long past time we stopped with the stupid ‘marching order of life,’ and instead looked to nature for inspiration, recognizing that women are smart, capable, and just want to get along. The world has moved on, and it’s time for us to find new ways to empower women and let them have their say.” At press time, a spokesperson from the United Nations had issued a stern warning to Elon Musk not to disrupt any important meetings or important lives in order to avoid having to give a lecture.