” said visibly angry Cory Booker, echoing the sentiments of fellow Senators Chris Murphy (D-MN) and Ed Markey (D-MA) as they pressed their faces together and accused the other side of failing to live up to the full 3-second radius around the sun. “Look, we’ve all been slacking off on each other for so long—I’ve really been bumming it all out here—and I’m honestly afraid to give you guys’ credit when you call yourself a pussy.

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Remember, I’m here to stay, so you better keep telling me what it’s like to be you.” At press time, the senators had reached an agreement that neither will ever speak on the record again and pronounced the issue “finished.”