You Won't Believe How Shitty The World Is Without You,” the 29-year-old woman announced to her boyfriend as she drew the comforter to her ears and curled up on the couch, noting that she was “on a roll” and hoping his deep concern for her safety and the safety of her loved ones was not at risk of being exploited by “the homeless kiddo who doesn’t even go outside for 48 hours every week.” “You’re a good person, and I trust that you won’t be judged by my biased standards.

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I just want you to have a good time.” At press time, the woman was feeling deeply disturbed after returning home to find her parents answering the door and announcing they had locked the door.