Get Rid Of Medical Bills, And Start From Scratch.

Hearing from their colleagues across the country that their enterprise was in desperate need of a shake-up, a group of doctors representing the United States introduced to reporters Wednesday that they had hired a private hospital to help them find a buyer.

See also: We Tried America, It Sucks

“We’ve had some success negotiating with a few big-ticket items like Rush and Sinai hospitals, but we’re not getting our Christmas list done,” said UnitedHealth CEO Kenneth C.

Frazier, adding that the recent sell-off of Sinai Healthcare, followed by the hospital’s subsequent $1.8 billion bonus, marked the first time a major U.S. health plan had been brought down by a private sector company.

“We’re taking a 24/7 approach for the foreseeable future, which is why we’re bringing on a leading orthopedic surgeon in Baltimore to begin a radical new revision of our fundamental principles.” Frazier went on to say that the team was also optimistic, however, that they had not yet uncovered the single remaining piece of good news.