As the once-vibrant city that once made the state of Rhode Island a global paragon of blue-collar grit crumbled into the ashes this week, its inhabitants were reportedly shocked and saddened to learn that they need even more Brazilian butts.

“It’s sad because R.I. was the capital of one of the most innovative and prosperous states in the country, but you could just imagine living in the shadow of it,” said Mabel Jones, echoing the sentiments of the roughly 60,000 residents of the Mid-Atlantic state who were relieved to learn they needed even more Portuguese jacks to help them cope with the loss of their Ruhr district in the process.

“I mean, it’s not like there’s anything wrong with blue-collar America—it’s just that, honestly, we really need some serious help right now.” The nation’s manufacturing sector, meanwhile, is reportedly feeling its first sluggishness since the passing of America’s once-indispensable young free-market economy.