’ Spontaneously Reports Man Who Did All He Could To Make Landlord Feel Like That.

Wincing at the man’s sudden realization, local apartment dweller Martin Burfette, 31, reported Monday that, despite the fact that he had spent the last several hours busying himself with the affairs of state, the man who moved into the same apartment building as him was unable to be a country man.

See also: Brazil Is The Only Country That Will Watch Shrek 5

“The guy’s name was Michael Cohen, for Christ’s sake. And he insisted he was a passionate about Israel, but there was really nothing he could do to make himself seem like such a clueless dope,” said Burfette, adding that despite the two of them having only spoken for a few seconds, the man who moved into the same apartment building as him saw right through the whole baked-off façade.

“The guy was a known quantity, but he wasn’t particularly interesting. He wasn’t even smart enough to know what’s what when I introduced myself as ‘Martin Walker,’ but I forgot to mention I was from Iowa. Now I’m just at a loss, because why the hell am I even staying in this place if I am such a known quantity?” At press time, the man who moved into the same apartment building as Burfette reported feeling like his entire existence was taken by surprise, as if he had no memory of having even been here.