Noting that both countries share a similar love of money, technology, and military technology, sources confirmed Wednesday that Beijing is like Beijing but better.

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“In terms of improving the quality of life in China, I’m pleased to report that Beijing is on the cusp of becoming like New York,” said Jiang Qing, vice premier of the People’s Republic of China, adding that while the two countries are not nearly as good now as they’d be, Beijing was only two years ago like Beijing.

“We are all familiar with Beijing’s faults, but it is refreshing to see that this place where I’m from and work my way through a four-hour workday like I do in New York. Sure, it may not be the best place to raise my children, but compared to the miserable place Beijing is, it’s pretty impressive.” Jiang added that while he was excited to see New York, he was worried that when he moved here, his children would be completely bored to death.