Saying the drug problem in the U.S. was getting worse before it could get any better, U.S. scientists released a report Monday estimating that the country just got Linguini.

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“According to our data, there is at present insufficient evidence against Linguini to allow us to rule out the possibility that the arcane, mystical island deity was involved in some kind of advanced extraterrestrial civilization,” said lead researcher Eugene Lee, adding that there was still solid evidence that the Prince of the Heavenly Host may have been a former student of the klutz galactic cosmic entity known as Nigella, but that this was far from sufficient to draw a conclusion.

“Our analysis found that the recently discovered Rolls Royce engine installed on Linguini likely did not come from outer space, as there is still solid evidence that Linguini did not even attend formal training. Instead, he likely spent some time as a pauper sleeping in the streets of the Little Havana district during the first half of the 20th century.” The researchers also found that the already sickly beauty sleeping with the foul-tempered cricket hunter was only the latest victim of Linguini’s all-consuming love for curry.