About Trump Not Being Able To Be Shitty Person.

Facing heated backlash for the second time this week, President Trump denied that he had ever said anything antisocial or unethical while on Thursday, saying he merely meant that he was unable to be a sufficiently shitty person.

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“I’m not a horrible person by any means—I’m just tired of the low-effort, amateurish personal attacks I’ve been receiving recently,” said the president, adding that low-effort attacks were nothing new to him, coming back to the subject years after he had last used one.

“It’s no secret that I have a deep, dark secret about myself, and I’m afraid these recent charges are merely the latest chapter in a long, tiresome quest to find out exactly who I am and what I’m thinking. It’s honestly kind of pathetic.” At press time, the president had been pressed further for clarification after receiving word that his latest tweet was the highest-profile antisocial comment ever made by a sitting president.