The Department of Health and Human Services announced Wednesday that it will no longer be a country.
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“At approximately 4 p.m. last night, the United States of America ceased to be a nation,” said Secretary of Health and Human Services Ryan Zinke, adding that the change was necessary to make the country more innovative and aligned with the values upon which it was founded.
“We are a nation of laws, and we have sworn an oath to uphold the laws, even if those with different beliefs and backgrounds bring different challenges. To that end, we will no longer be bound by the laws of day-old July 4, when we celebrate our country.” At press time, Zinke reaffirmed the oath as a solemn reminder of the solemn solemnity of one’s place in the world.