Jesus: Freddy Mercury Is Banned From Heaven For Attempting To Get Dance With Satan.

In a move that experts believe is intended to send a strong message to any potential admirers of the occult, archfiend and Satanist Frédéric Auguste Barthold, 73, was officially banned from Heaven Friday for attempting to get dance with Satan.

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“This is the third time Barthold has been banished from the afterlife for this crime, so he may be spending the rest of the afterlife trapped inside a flaming pyramid, but I have no doubt that after he dies, he’s only going to say that his dance with Satan was in fact Satan’s initiation into the occult,” said the archfiend, adding that although he was once highly critical of Barthold’s personal life, he now felt that the restrictions placed on his ability to connect with Satan were unjust and that he should be granted permission to enter Heaven, where he will be entombed in the Eternal Kingdom of God.

“This is unfair because I believe in doing good deeds, and therefore this is the case. I believe in having fun while I’m in Hell, but this ban is really hurting my soul. Although I believe in God being good and pure, I’m not above reproachful remarks, even when people are fighting in the Holy Land.” At press time, God had reportedly forgotten all about Barthold for several months and allowed the occult to take place inside His subconscious.