Jesus Is Now Satan Begotten,” said the newlywed, celibate and HIV-negative 34-year-old, noting that he is the fruitiest of hypocrites, deserving of every nasty compliment that can be thrown at him. “I was so shocked when I was accepted into this gay cult, but now I see what all the sick, disgusting gay men are saying—that they really like me, too.

See also: The Pope Is Satan

It’s so great to be with so many beautiful, amazing lesbians.

My only regret is that I haven’t discovered all the sick, disgusting gay men yet.” At press time, the newlyweds were comparing notes on how much they have in common with the dishwasher.