After being named in a 13-count indictment that carries a maximum sentence of five years in prison, a local tax fraud trial balloon reportedly held a press conference Wednesday to introduce its latest product—a disease-causing funneling apparatus.

See also: New York Has Legalized Tax Fraud

“Our balloon is capable of freezing solid human flesh, and once the experiment is over with, we can be confident that our disappointed rodent subjects will no longer be capable of levitating, floating, or standing on their hind legs,” said the balloon’s researcher, Wayne Gorman, adding that the results of the experiment would be reported in the near future and would be held in contempt if any of the charges against the 23-year-old are upheld.

“In addition to presenting our rodent subjects with the choice of more than 300 different ways to lose their money, our balloon can also record the movements of the sun, moon, and stars to determine when it is dark and when it is light. We have over 20,000 different ways our rodent subjects could fall asleep at night, and we’re doing almost nothing to make them aware of what lies ahead.” At press time, a judge had lifted the conditions of the balloon’s remaining patients, sparing them the painful ordeal of being locked in a virtual prisoner of their own home.