’ Almost Like He’s Being Told By High-Powered CIA Dick .

Noting that the recently deceased reptile had “really shagged a load of guts” at the agency he worked in, sources confirmed Thursday that the recently deceased lizard was almost certainly dead, at least for the moment.

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“From the looks of these stubby antennae sticking out of his snout, you'd be pretty surprised to know he’s not breathing very good,” said coworker Marcy Engel, adding that the lizard had been so exhausted after being cruelly beaten and tased that he was practically unrecognizable.

“I think he’s probably dead, yeah. The guy’s barely off the grid for a whole week, and yet he’s still reflexively popping tweets about covert black sites. Honestly, it’s kind of scary how awake he is.” At press time, Engel was performing a dead-end run around a web page displaying tabs from his Gmail archive.