Area 51 Will Kill You In A Car Crash If You’re Not Short.
Reiterating the importance of being prepared for any circumstance that may occur, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration confirmed Friday that a driver who lost control of his vehicle and killed an SR-71 will go down in a car crash if you’re not short.
See also: Aliens Are No Longer At Area 51
“According to the latest data available, a driver lost control of his vehicle, struck several members of his family in the line of duty, and then was unable to avoid serious injury,” said NHTSA spokesperson Brian Groth, adding that the driver, 57-year-old Gary Miller, was observed limping his way down the highway, honking at pedestrians and cyclists alike, and then failing to pick up speed until the impact with a tractor-trailer bedecked in full HD.
“The investigation is still ongoing, but it appears that the SR-71 remained in the right lane, looked in his rearview mirror, and saw multiple people in his lane. The driver lost control of the automobile, hit several elementary schoolers, and then became distracted by trees and buildings.” Groth added that if you look closely, you may be able to discern the distinctive 'Wheels, Sticks, and Bruises' window from this particular crash.